Why Can’t I Enjoy This More?

I feel like as a mom I go through phases. Sometimes I am confident and happy and I know I am giving my best self to my children. I make an effort to truly enjoy each precious moment together.

Then there are times where it can feel as though motherhood just might swallow me whole.

We aren’t living; we are surviving. My fuse is short, I feel as though I cannot keep up, and at the end of each day, I look back on all of the ways I feel as though I have failed my children.

Although it seems unfathomable, I logically know there is a time in the future when no one will need me in the middle of the night, there won’t be any diapers to change, and we will eventually be able to leave the house without an arsenal of snacks and spare changes of clothes. Then there will be a day in the even more distant future when there are no lunches to be packed, no homework that needs checking, and no practices or games that need carpooling to. I, no doubt, will be sad when the day comes that there is no one left to enforce curfew on and I won’t always know where they are or who they are with.

I know all of that, I really do. But some days, it just doesn’t matter.

I can’t just enjoy it all. I’m too tired. I’m too stressed. My nerves are too shot. I’m thinking of all that needs to be done and spending so much energy getting it all done and I feel completely overwhelmed by it all.

Someone recently asked in a group setting “Do you think you’re a good mom?” My knee jerk reaction was “No!” But then I stopped to think.

I thought about how much I love my children. How much work I put into making their lives great. How much I do try to give each one intentional time together.

I am working hard to raise them with the values I want them to possess. They are loved and they are provided all they need and more. I see that manifest itself in their actions and that’s validating.

Why can’t I enjoy this more? Why does it feel like some days are nothing but a struggle? Why can’t everyone be happy all of the time?

That’s not realistic. I am far from perfect and so are they. They will have bad days, and so will I. It takes the bad to make the good that much sweeter. I must continue to live day to day and moment to moment and take motherhood as it comes. I must try my hardest and forgive and love myself in the times I fall short.

I am a good mother and I fiercely love my children. I just don’t always enjoy them.

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