“Congratulations! You must be so excited!” is the usual congratulatory greeting I get these days when people hear of my pregnancy. While I am very, very excited, there is also a huge piece of me that is anxious and scared. As much as I wish I couldn’t think of all that could go wrong in a pregnancy, I just can’t shy away from it.
With my first two sons, I experienced bed rest, preeclampsia, pregnancy induced hypertension, IUGR, premature birth and a NICU stay (and I’m sure my medical chart would say more). Every appointment I go in praying that something isn’t wrong, and I live in a constant state of worry. As much as I want to enjoy my last pregnancy, it sadly hasn’t been the case as of late.
A simple bad day consisting of morning sickness and a migraine has my wheels spinning with a laundry list of reasons besides “pregnancy” that could be wrong with myself or the baby. Is my blood pressure too high? I haven’t been able to keep anything down for hours … am I dehydrated? Is the baby okay? Should I call my OB? Go to the ER? What does Dr. Google say?
And with every flutter and movement I feel, I also worry that I’m not feeling enough movement. I then start watching the clock to see how often I feel movement, and my mind starts to panic if too much time has passed before another flutter or kick is felt.
As my due date draws closer, I get a bit nervous of my upcoming C-section. It is major surgery after all! What if something goes wrong in the OR? What if once the baby is delivered, he is whisked away to the NICU like my previous pregnancy? Instead of dreaming of holding my new baby, these are the things that flood my mind.
I’m trying to let go and enjoy my pregnancy and not let my anxiety and thoughts get the best of me. I’ve been practicing some breathing exercises along with meditation to try to calm me down a bit. I would love to be able enjoy the rest of this special time before it passes me by.