Father’s Day has nothing to do with dad. Ever since Nietzsche proclaimed, “Dad is dead,” society has forced the modern dad into being a cunning enabler to the moms. Where I come from there’s a saying: ‘If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.’ For if Father’s Day is to be a true celebration, the responsibility of cake, cards and gifts will likely fall to the party-planning skills and shopping abilities of the moms. These skill sets seem to escape many of the 2017 dads. Until the day comes that we (dads) have dreamed of, a future where everyday is Father’s Day in the perfect world, we are allotted one day to get it right.
It’s up to dads everywhere to have a hand in the perfect Father’s Day. Let’s face it, what would they (the non-dads) do without Dad? Making “The Momnipotent One” happy will make Dad’s Father Day. Here are some tips for dads to achieve said results.
Pick up the dirty socks
It is ingrained in our DNA to leave used socks where they may land. The temptation to just leave a trail of dirty footwear (including shoes) is far too great for many modern dads. Since the “pre-her-storic” mancave days of college, this bad habit is primordial. The best solution would be to just throw your socks in the trash. Seriously, throw your socks away when you are done wearing them, because you’ll probably be getting new socks for Father’s Day.
Don’t blame the dog. You know it was you. The dog knows it was you. Just be open and honest. She will notice and appreciate you more.
Underwear it well
Underwear and socks are the bouquet of flowers for dads across the world. If a dad does want his floral arrangement of Jockey and Gold Toe, dads must find a new use for his oldest pairs of underwear. Check the oil in your vehicle and hers by using a pair of your briefs, boxers or jockey shorts. She’ll notice the manly thing you’re doing there and she will also make a mental note that you will need new undies in the near future – mainly for the upcoming Father’s Day.
Talk to your children
If kids are involved, it is very important for the dad to spend quality time with his children and explain to them exactly what gift he really wants for Father’s Day. To the point where it may borderline The Manchurian Candidate, the kids must be programmed or hypnotized into knowing what gift the mom should purchase when she takes them shopping for you the dad. This will require several trips where the dad will volunteer to take the kids thus giving mom a break, even if you only take the kids to the power tool section of a Home Depot. The kids will love it regardless.
While it may be a total reach of protocol, a dad may have to go directly to and approach the mom in offering to “switch days” as a “whacky” or “fun” suggestion for the respective holidays. Suggest to her that Father’s Day, which is in June, should be swapped with Mother’s Day. The weather is nicer in May; no one wants to celebrate in June. Folks would rather be indoors and die in the air-conditioning than celebrate anything, for any reason, in the month of June in Louisiana. A dad should always appear to have put a lot of thought into this concept. And the Momnipotent One will be proud of you for thinking with your big brain. Regardless, she’ll think you’re nuts.
About TC Elliot
TC Elliott is the co-host of the first father-daughter podcast in history and is an On-Air/ Talent at B-97 FM (WEZB-FM) and Entercom New Orleans employee. With his 14 year-old daughter, he co-hosts a “Parentally Incorrect” parenting podcast called “DadMax With TC+Lydia” in Covington, LA.