My Miscarriage: Dear Baby… {Part One of Two}

baby#3PT1FINALSeveral weeks ago, I suffered my first miscarriage.

I was 5 weeks and one day pregnant. It was devastating and heartbreaking and although I am writing this post, it is immensely difficult to articulate my thoughts. But these are my feelings and this is my journey. Below is a letter I wrote to my baby during the miscarriage. Once I knew in my heart what was happening, I grabbed a pen and started writing. Writing is my therapy.

Dear my sweet baby, 

I had to write this letter to you when all the emotions were still fresh, while they were still raw. I have written letters to your brothers when I found out I was pregnant with them. My heart breaks that you will never get to read this letter. You are slipping away from me faster than I imagined. 

I have only known about you for eight days but oh, how I love you. I loved you as soon as I saw that extra blue line on that piece of plastic. You were my miracle. After explaining your conception story to my doctor, she described you as “meant to be.” That is exactly how I pictured you and what you are to me. In eight days, I dreamed of what you would bring to our family. This baby, who was meant to be mine…who defied the statistical odds. I thought, what a wonderful statistic to be a part of. Now, what I wouldn’t give to not be lumped into the group of heartbroken mothers I now find myself in. In just eight days I imagined the excitement, joy and love you would add to our family. As you know, I already have two beautiful baby boys who have brought me more happiness and enriched my life forever. I knew that in a matter of time, eight more months precisely, you would do the same; how overjoyed I was. 

I know eight days seems like nothing at all, but in that time I thought of you every waking moment. I even dreamed of you. What would you look like? Would you jump right in and play with your big brothers, or would they be your protectors? Would you be another boy to steal my heart or would you be that daughter I have dreamed of? Would you make it to your due date and share a birthday with daddy? I’ll never know the answers.

I am so sorry I will never get to hold you. I will never get to hear your heartbeat. I will never get to kiss your sweet face. I will never get to smell your baby’s breath. I will never get to nurse you. I am sorry you will never get to play with your big brothers, and I am sorry they will never get to play with you. I am sorry you will never get to hear your daddy read a Dr. Seuss book. I am sorry my body failed you and that I could not protect you.

My sweet sweet baby, I want you know that for those eight days and for the rest of my life, I love you. I am thankful for the one week I got to hold you inside of my body. Even if it will never be enough. I love you, always and forever.

Love,

Mommy

 Click here if you would like to read part two of Amanda’s touching story and thoughts regarding her miscarriage. 

Miscarriage

47 Responses to My Miscarriage: Dear Baby… {Part One of Two}

  1. Jessica June 25, 2014 at 5:58 am #

    Hugs momma. You are wonderfully brave writing this and sharing this with us. Give yourself lots of time to grieve….dont let anyone tell you how you should feel or how long you should be be sad. Will be thinking of you.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:53 pm #

      Thank you Jessica. Every day is “easier” but then it will hit me like a ton of bricks. Thank you for your kind words.

  2. Abby June 25, 2014 at 6:13 am #

    Oh Amanda I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:53 pm #

      Thank you Abby.

  3. Amyc June 25, 2014 at 6:40 am #

    I’m so so sorry to hear of your loss. I had a miscarriage six years ago. I was 6 weeks along. I still think about that little baby.
    I pray for your healing.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:54 pm #

      Amy, I think I will always think of my angel baby as well. Thank you for your kind words.

  4. Ashley June 25, 2014 at 6:59 am #

    Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself in this statistic, that which NO mother would choose. I wanted to say, though – your body did NOT fail that baby. There is nothing you did (or didn’t do) that caused this, sweet friend. Prayers, tears, wine and reaching out when you need it will help the grieving process but be patient with yourself and give yourself grace. Miscarriages, regardless of how early, are heartbreaking.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:55 pm #

      Thank you Ashley.

  5. CarrieP June 25, 2014 at 8:13 am #

    So sorry to hear this Amanda. Love you and praying for healing. ((Hugs))

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:55 pm #

      Thank you Carrie!

  6. Allison June 25, 2014 at 8:32 am #

    I’m so sorry for you and your family as you mourn the loss of your baby. I lost my first baby at 9 weeks, and I know how awful and heartbreaking it is. Thank you for being brave and sharing your letter with us. I hate that anybody goes through this, but it is a comfort to know that we’re not alone.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:56 pm #

      Allison, thank you. And I couldn’t agree more. Although I hate that any mother has to go through it, at least we can do so together,

  7. Jamie June 25, 2014 at 9:30 am #

    Such a moving piece. Sending prayers and love. Xoxo

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:57 pm #

      Thank you!

  8. Becca Roberts June 25, 2014 at 10:30 am #

    I am deeply sorry for your loss! Every loss is painful no matter how early. Thank you for sharing your story. I will keep you in prayer! ♥ My very first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I can still recall with painful clarity how devastating it was. My husband bought me a necklace a with a pregnancy loss ribbon charm and that was so special to me and gave me a way to keep that baby close to my heart. I still light a candle in the window for him or her every year on the anniversary of the loss. (((hugs))) to you.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:58 pm #

      Becca, thank you. I honestly had not thought much about the anniversary but what a beautiful way to honor your angel baby. I think I will do the same.

  9. Kelly June 25, 2014 at 10:49 am #

    I am sorry that you have joined the very large group of mama’s who will never hold our babies. Your emotional and raw words, though very sad, are also beautiful. Sending healing thoughts your way for your journey through this terrible grief.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:59 pm #

      Thank you Kelly.

  10. Myndee June 25, 2014 at 10:56 am #

    Amanda, I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:59 pm #

      Thank you Myndee.

  11. Angelina June 25, 2014 at 12:36 pm #

    This was so beautifully written, I cried imagining what this must be like for you. I love how honest and brave you are.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 8:59 pm #

      Thank you Angelina.

  12. Courtney June 25, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

    Amanda, this was beautifully shared. Any mother knows how special even an hour as a mother is. As horrible as miscarriage is for a woman, the flip side is that you got to be the one to hold that baby/angel inside and nothing can take that experience away. Prayers for your continued healing.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 9:00 pm #

      Thank you Courtney. I am thankful for our time together even if it was too short.

  13. Stephanie Galliano June 25, 2014 at 3:07 pm #

    Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first pregnancy about a week after I got my BFP and I remember clearly how horrible that experience was for me. Write, write, write and talk, talk, talk. I found it helped me most to talk about it with moms who had also suffered a loss and making it public because it is nothing to be ashamed of. I agree with Ashley above. Your body didn’t fail you or your baby. This was the work of forces out of our control. I pray that you’ll find comfort with the hugs and laughter of your sweet boys. They’ll have someone looking out for them now and YOU have them that. Hugs, mama.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 9:01 pm #

      Thank you Stephanie for your supportive words. My boys definitely help my healing. 🙂

  14. Jennifer June 25, 2014 at 3:36 pm #

    Oh Amanda, this was so beautiful and so heartbreaking all at once. I can’t imagine how many women you have given a voice to. What a wonderful and selfless thing to share your story. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I hope that in time you will find comfort in knowing that your sweet baby felt the love and tenderness you shared in your letter everyday that Baby spent with you.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 9:02 pm #

      Thank you Jennifer!

  15. Leenie June 25, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 9:02 pm #

      Thank you Leenie.

  16. Darneshia June 25, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

    OMG, this is me. Same length of pregnancy, same number/gender of preceding children, same feelings, same circumstance. Thank you.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 25, 2014 at 9:03 pm #

      Darneshia, I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers and hugs to you.

  17. Amy Ballou June 25, 2014 at 11:24 pm #

    I had a miscarriage (my first pregnancy) as well due to not enough progesterone in my body. I never thought my whole life I could even get pregnant after I had my Chron’s Disease surgery, and now that I know its possible I want it that much more. I have been terrified to get pregnant again though but even though we have been trying. I just pray if I ever do get pregnant again (so far its been two years and no luck) that my baby will be okay this time around. I pray if that ever happens to you, your baby will be healthy as well. Thank you for your story it has really helped me.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 27, 2014 at 10:14 pm #

      Amy I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

  18. Marrissa June 25, 2014 at 11:31 pm #

    As I lie here in bed reading your letter, I can feel the breath of my rainbow baby, Eli, against my neck and his fingers ever so softly touching my hair. How strange it is to feel so sad and happy at the same time. Sad because I will never get to touch my first baby but happy because I have been blessed with two more children I am able to kiss and laugh with everyday. I have always been a true believer in the saying everything happens for a reason. When I lost my first baby I came to almost despise those very words. Why would something so awful happen to my family, I could not imagine one reason for this grief. We prayed and as time passed so did my anger. The only thing I can say to ease to pain is to pray, cry, talk, yell …God is listening. And although we may never comprehend why, everything does happen for a reason. You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 27, 2014 at 10:15 pm #

      Marrissa, thank you for your kind and supportive words. I am sorry for your loss as well.

  19. Bobbi June 26, 2014 at 11:27 pm #

    Thank you for your sweet letter. I lay hear in the wake if my own personal loss. These past 24 hours have been the hardest of my life, my husband and I struggled with infertility fir 11 years. And for those 7 days I had my baby in me, it was the greatest miracle imaginable. Now I’m left empty amd broken. Thank you for sharing exactly how I’m feeling right now.

    • Amanda Bensabat June 27, 2014 at 10:16 pm #

      Oh Bobbi. I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.

  20. Teresa Taviani June 27, 2014 at 10:27 pm #

    Amanda, I first want to say, I am so very sorry for your loss. I, myself have had a miscarriage. Its been over a year since then. I still grieve every single day. But it does get easier as time goes on. I have written many many of these letters, just like the one you so bravely shared with us. This group of people, the group who suffered from child loss is very supportive. Prayers to you dear. Hope you hug those boys tight. You will forever have an angel watching over you.

    • Amanda Bensabat July 23, 2014 at 9:03 pm #

      Thank you for your kind words Teresa. I am sorry for your loss as well. I have found comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone although I wish no woman would ever have to experience this.

  21. Mary July 4, 2014 at 7:46 pm #

    We’ve been through two, and it is very hard to deal with. Our thoughts are with you.

    • Amanda Bensabat July 23, 2014 at 9:04 pm #

      Thank you Mary. hugs and prayers.

  22. Kari July 22, 2014 at 3:37 pm #

    Amanda,
    This touched me so very much. I had an early pregnancy end, it was my first.
    I was so excited at the thought of becoming a mother & to tell mine the good news.
    It was heart breaking when my Dr. told me I had an early miscarriage.
    I had all the symptoms, I am extremely in tune with my body & I KNEW when it happened.
    I have had some of the same thoughts as you of what might have been & not having children
    I can’t imagine what those sweet things would be like. I don’t know if that’s easier or harder not
    knowing but it hurts all the same.
    Thank you so much for sharing. It somehow helps me to know I’m not the only one &
    that it happens & it’s ok.
    I will be ok, eventually.

    Thoughts & prayers to you <3

    ~ Kari

    • Amanda Bensabat July 23, 2014 at 9:05 pm #

      Kari,

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I am so very sorry for your loss. I agree, I don’t know what is worse but losing a child, at any stage or age, is the worst pain. I definitely relate that it helps to know I am not alone. Prayers and hugs to you.

  23. Sherry September 15, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

    Thank you for sharing your heart. I lost my third baby at around 5/6 weeks also three years ago and have two boys. I had always wanted 3 and it was a wonderful surprise. I grieved for some time as my husband did not want to try again due to our age. God, time, running and of course my boys got me through the hardest part. I still think of that baby. Blessings to you.

  24. lola July 27, 2015 at 10:03 pm #

    I said I didn’t want to read anymore, but it drew me in. I just lost my baby 1 week ago Sunday. Although my doc. appt isn’t until Wed. to confirm; I know in my heart my baby is gone! I am taking this one day at a time; but this has been the LONGEST, HARDEST, two weeks of my life! My husband and I are the only ones that currently know; but havent told ANYONE else. I know that only God can get me through this and I pray He blesses your heart with healing as well. Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for helping me!

  25. Kate March 24, 2016 at 9:09 am #

    As a young mother of 21 my fiance and I lost our first baby to miscarriage. After reading this all the troubled emotions were brought back. However, your letter is so inspiring. I’d like to add that we are expecting our first any day now but the thought of our baby girl crosses my mind everyday. God bless you.

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