Being Forced Out of the Pregnancy Closet: Sharing Pregnancy News After a Loss

I am joining the ranks of the several other New Orleans Moms Blog contributors that are expecting. Our team is having a baby boom this year, and I am just about 14 weeks pregnant. So far it has been my choice to keep the news pretty quiet. So quiet that even our families haven’t been in the know. We have had such a struggle between a miscarriage and fertility challenges that I just wanted to hold this news close to us. I have been guarding it with the fear that if I put the news out there, then for some reason this pregnancy is not going to work out.

I have been super nervous. I haven’t been talking about names, nursery décor or prospective Godparents. I have been living in the moment in this pregnancy not thinking ahead about upcoming holidays and when the baby will arrive. I know what it is like to do that and then the pregnancy slips through your fingers and those daydreams haunt you. I have been on guard, protecting my emotions and heart the best I can.

However, my husband is forcing me out of the pregnancy closet. The further we get into the pregnancy the more he wants to share our good news. He wants to celebrate this time in our life, get excited and not be on pins and needles about it. I get it. It IS really good news; I just want it to stay good. I am in due in December, and when asked when I want to tell people, my answer is Thanksgiving. He is trying to push me into getting excited about the pregnancy and feeling less nervous.Annoucement

So he has given me an ultimatum that I can get on board with starting to tell or he will tell for me. I, however, am perfectly fine with people thinking I am just gaining weight. He thinks I am being ridiculous.

Our Secondary Infertility Journey

So here is my pregnancy unveiling. My fertility struggle has reached the next level. I don’t want to say it is over because it is such an intangible thing.

I had a very honest conversation with my doctor about my concerns, and we developed a plan that I was comfortable with. I was ready to head down the fertility treatment path, but I kind of wanted to just stick a toe in at first and not jump in to the deep end. So we started with the basics and low medications just to see how my body would react. I underwent an IUI which, in its simplest form, is where they put the sperm and egg together so they know they met. It was quick, easy and painless. And that is what it took. After being monitored for a few weeks, I graduated from Audubon Fertility at 10 weeks. I am back with my regular OB at Ochsner as a normal pregnancy. And, it feels really good to be “normal” again.

We have been so truly blessed that even though the road to get to this point has been rocky, it was absolutely worth it the first time we saw that little heartbeat flicker on the ultrasound.

I am embracing the morning sickness, nausea, emotions, cravings and frequent trips to the restroom. All of these miserable things are symptoms of a healthy pregnancy, so I am happy to have them.

The Decision To Pursue Fertility Treatments

In hindsight, looking back on my struggle, I wish I would have felt more empowered to take control of the situation. I wish I would have picked up the phone and called a fertility specialist. I didn’t trust my gut when it was telling me that the old fashioned way was wasn’t working after so much time had passed. I felt helpless, unsure of what to do and that something was wrong with me.

I always thought fertility meant IVF, and I knew I wasn’t ready for that … but I just didn’t know where to turn. I kept quiet about my struggle for so long. And, each pregnancy announcement around me was an emotional blow.

When we finally did make that first appointment at Audubon Fertility, it was almost therapeutic to get the initial testing done. The testing was simple: just a few blood tests, an ultrasound and background information gathering.

While that was the physical aspect, from an emotional standpoint actually consulting a doctor who focused on fertility issues and treatments helped to clear our minds as we knew it was in a hands of an expert. We were able to take a step back. It was like we gifted our struggle to the doctor on our first visit, and we left the problem with her to figure out.

To Moms Still Struggling To Conceive…

I know that not everyone has a fertility story similar to mine, and some women struggle with this much longer than I did. But to the mom-to-be buying countless ovulation tests month-after-month and peeing on sticks with continual disappointment, I urge you to just explore your options. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong or that you have failed at your job as a woman. It just means you may need a little extra help.

I am so ready to take control of my daughter’s healthcare or urging my husband or parents to seek care at a moment’s notice, but when it came to me I was frozen. I was handicapped by the fear of infertility. 1 in 8 struggle with infertility. Women should be as enabled to seek care for infertility as for a sinus infection. I don’t know why it has such a negative sigma.

But in December 2014, when my little baby is born, I will be happy to have his or her picture hanging on the wall as an assurance to the mom-to-be walking in for her first consultation that you are doing the right thing by seeking answers.

11 Responses to Being Forced Out of the Pregnancy Closet: Sharing Pregnancy News After a Loss

  1. Jennifer June 20, 2014 at 12:03 pm #

    Thank you so much for the reassurance. I had a miscarriage and am terrified of the road ahead.

    • Linzy Cotaya June 20, 2014 at 2:25 pm #

      I am sorry for your loss. Time helps but doesn’t heal there will always be a place for that child you lost. I hope the road ahead of you is happy and healthy! I hope there is a positive story coming your way too. I know how emotional it is.

  2. Ree June 20, 2014 at 1:11 pm #

    Congrats (again) Paul and Linzy!! So happy for you!

  3. Lindsay D June 20, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

    Congrats!! So happy the IUI worked for you all 🙂

  4. Leenie June 20, 2014 at 3:35 pm #

    Congratulations!

  5. Elizabeth June 21, 2014 at 6:40 am #

    What a great post Linzy! Sharing the challenges & successes will certainly help others out there who are going through the same thing.

  6. Tina R June 24, 2014 at 1:33 am #

    Congrats from https://www.facebook.com/infertility team!

  7. Mary June 24, 2014 at 11:16 pm #

    Congrats! I know a pregnancy after a loss is very tough. However, you have so much to look forward to! Enjoy your pregnancy.

  8. Kim July 9, 2014 at 9:34 am #

    Thank you for posting this. I am struggling with this right now. I am 12 weeks and I feel like I will never be ready to make an announcement. I also don’t want to make any plans. I had a miscarriage and delivered twins at 25 weeks and neither of them survived:( Then it took us 3 years to get pregnant after that. It’s so hard. I appreciate your honesty.

  9. Rachael October 7, 2014 at 4:56 pm #

    just wanted to reach out and say I loved your article…I went down the expensive and emotionally exhausting path that is fertility treatments, including IUI, injectables, oral medications, and endless ultrasounds pre-conception…and I couldn’t be more thankful for any of it! Thanks to seeking fertility specialist help i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy about to celebrate his FIRST birthday next weekend and I found out weeks ago that thanks to fertility treatments, I am again expecting, and this time, twins! My life has been completed by my decision to finally seek medical assistance and I wish I had been less embarrassed to do so in the first place.

  10. Julie Kelsey June 24, 2015 at 1:57 pm #

    Congratulations!!! I completely understand the hesitation to reveal your pregnancy after loss. We had 5 miscarriages between our 2nd daughter and our youngest. 2 of which were in the 2nd trimester(14 &17 wks). With one of the 2nd term we had our, then 4 yr old, hold up the ultrasound photo and put it on social media as our announcement. A week later we found out the baby had passed. It was the hardest loss. With our youngest girl I didn’t tell anyone except my husband and BF until I was 5 months (not even our parents!) I needed to have the announcement be joyful and not fearful. It was hard to keep it to myself, and thankfully I was mostly a hermit at that time, but I don’t regret it. By the way our precious miracle, Hope, will be 2 in October. Joy after loss is possible

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